good morning, goodbye.

i'm sitting in my kitchen with a mug of cappuccino, wide awake two hours before my alarm. i've already made my final list of things to do (the last of many since i got accepted into this program- i was a bit of a nervous wreck) and, even though i have tons to do with barely enough time to do it, all i can do is sit here.

24 hours from now i will be beginning my descent onto a different continent. with a different language. and a different culture. and no one that i know. POR FAVOR, MANTENGENSE TUS MANOS DENTRO DEL AVION. i will be over 4500 miles from my childhood home (and there are no googlemaps walking directions, i checked).

last week i said goodbye to my boyfriend. three days ago i said goodbye to my daddy. this morning i said goodbye to my little sister (she cried, i cried too). later today i will say goodbye to my mom and my best friend. suffice it to say that, at the moment, i'm a little overwhelmed.
(the length of my sentences is directly proportional to how emotional i'm feeling.)
i can logic my way out of this one and say that this is going to be a life-changing event (which it is), that i just have cold feet (wool socks don't cut it), and that i'm experiencing the same anxiety as anyone has when they move far away from home, even if its just for a little while.

my life is going to be radically different starting in 5 hours and 32 minutes. but right now i feel the crushing presence of emotion in its rawest and most ruthless form. i'm nervous/scared/cautious/excited/curious/sad/nostalgic. i'm a palindrome of some of the hardest emotions to deal with on a singular basis and the combination is starting to give me a stomachache.

i never realized how much i love tampa until i was trying desperately to commit it to memory.
i never realized the warmth that my parent's house afforded me, the comfort and stability that it has shown me time and again whenever i needed it. not until i was alone at sun-up remembering everything that has happened here, thinking of all that will happen here.
and, fuck, i always knew it, but my family is the most amazing family that i could have ever asked for. and my friends too.

its going to be hard to go this journey alone, i don't have a lot of experience with these types of things. after all, i was never allowed to go to summer camp. my mom thought i might get lice.

maybe this is all a little bit inspired by lack of sleep or some weird female emotionalism bullshit. but it sure feels like the phrase THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF YOUR LIFE (, bitch) has never applied to me more. i am totally out of my comfort zone, i have relinquished all control, and now i have nothing left to do but roll with the punches.
(and try to not get sold into human trafficking.)

i guess what i'm trying to say is, 6 months is kind of a long time.