i'm alex, this is my asshole. and this is my endless (and unrelated) string of thoughts while in transit:
seriously, they've played 'bye bye bye' three times since i've been here. a seemingly tasteless choice for an airport, hub of abandonment.
i really need to stop crying in public places and doing so without any sense of discretion or shame. i can tell that it makes people uncomfortable (and also turns some people on judging my how many older paunchy men were overly invested in why i was so sad.)(i'm at an airport, asshat. there's probably some sort of upheaval happening in my life that you can do nothing to help.)(wait, are you a millionaire?) and i don't like making people uncomfortable. also, there's some kind of social boundary that i'm pretty sure i'm ignoring when i sit alone in public with tears running down my face, snot running out of my nose, and intermittently shuddering with sadness. i feel totally unashamed about it though. fuck it, let em ask. maybe one of them will buy me a drink(s).
also, a little less important in the grand scheme of things, OH MY GOD WHAT THE SHIT I'M GOING TO SPAIN RIGHT NOW WHO DOES THAT SERIOUSLY THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING NO I AM NOT DREAMING NO I AM NOT LEAVING 'LATER' OR 'SOON' OR ANY OTHER INDEFINITE BULLSHIT I'M GOING TO SPAIN RIGHT NOW AS IN I'M BOARDING MY PLANE IN TEN MINUTES AS IN I WON'T BE STEPPING ON AMERICAN SOIL (the best goddamn soil in the world, god bless america, thank you jesus, etc etc) FOR A FULL HALF OF A YEAR.
ahem. in an effort to ease the pain of long hours spent on my ass in uncomfortable seats, i've given myself a mission. (ask what my mission is) i've decided that my mission is to document as many non-sequiturs as i can. granted, this is more for my own personal enjoyment because you, the reader, will not be able to see accompanying faces, hear tones of voice, etc. so my first one is:
(mind you, this was the most hushed and menacing tone i've ever heard) 'you didn't come home last night, bitch'. wonder how that turned out. huh, i guess the fun is in the mystery...of where the body is hidden.
was that too much.
eh. fuck it.
well, the first leg of my trip begins, i'll see you in meeami.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
good morning, goodbye.
i'm sitting in my kitchen with a mug of cappuccino, wide awake two hours before my alarm. i've already made my final list of things to do (the last of many since i got accepted into this program- i was a bit of a nervous wreck) and, even though i have tons to do with barely enough time to do it, all i can do is sit here.
24 hours from now i will be beginning my descent onto a different continent. with a different language. and a different culture. and no one that i know. POR FAVOR, MANTENGENSE TUS MANOS DENTRO DEL AVION. i will be over 4500 miles from my childhood home (and there are no googlemaps walking directions, i checked).
last week i said goodbye to my boyfriend. three days ago i said goodbye to my daddy. this morning i said goodbye to my little sister (she cried, i cried too). later today i will say goodbye to my mom and my best friend. suffice it to say that, at the moment, i'm a little overwhelmed.
(the length of my sentences is directly proportional to how emotional i'm feeling.)
i can logic my way out of this one and say that this is going to be a life-changing event (which it is), that i just have cold feet (wool socks don't cut it), and that i'm experiencing the same anxiety as anyone has when they move far away from home, even if its just for a little while.
my life is going to be radically different starting in 5 hours and 32 minutes. but right now i feel the crushing presence of emotion in its rawest and most ruthless form. i'm nervous/scared/cautious/excited/curious/sad/nostalgic. i'm a palindrome of some of the hardest emotions to deal with on a singular basis and the combination is starting to give me a stomachache.
i never realized how much i love tampa until i was trying desperately to commit it to memory.
i never realized the warmth that my parent's house afforded me, the comfort and stability that it has shown me time and again whenever i needed it. not until i was alone at sun-up remembering everything that has happened here, thinking of all that will happen here.
and, fuck, i always knew it, but my family is the most amazing family that i could have ever asked for. and my friends too.
its going to be hard to go this journey alone, i don't have a lot of experience with these types of things. after all, i was never allowed to go to summer camp. my mom thought i might get lice.
maybe this is all a little bit inspired by lack of sleep or some weird female emotionalism bullshit. but it sure feels like the phrase THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF YOUR LIFE (, bitch) has never applied to me more. i am totally out of my comfort zone, i have relinquished all control, and now i have nothing left to do but roll with the punches.
(and try to not get sold into human trafficking.)
i guess what i'm trying to say is, 6 months is kind of a long time.
24 hours from now i will be beginning my descent onto a different continent. with a different language. and a different culture. and no one that i know. POR FAVOR, MANTENGENSE TUS MANOS DENTRO DEL AVION. i will be over 4500 miles from my childhood home (and there are no googlemaps walking directions, i checked).
last week i said goodbye to my boyfriend. three days ago i said goodbye to my daddy. this morning i said goodbye to my little sister (she cried, i cried too). later today i will say goodbye to my mom and my best friend. suffice it to say that, at the moment, i'm a little overwhelmed.
(the length of my sentences is directly proportional to how emotional i'm feeling.)
i can logic my way out of this one and say that this is going to be a life-changing event (which it is), that i just have cold feet (wool socks don't cut it), and that i'm experiencing the same anxiety as anyone has when they move far away from home, even if its just for a little while.
my life is going to be radically different starting in 5 hours and 32 minutes. but right now i feel the crushing presence of emotion in its rawest and most ruthless form. i'm nervous/scared/cautious/excited/curious/sad/nostalgic. i'm a palindrome of some of the hardest emotions to deal with on a singular basis and the combination is starting to give me a stomachache.
i never realized how much i love tampa until i was trying desperately to commit it to memory.
i never realized the warmth that my parent's house afforded me, the comfort and stability that it has shown me time and again whenever i needed it. not until i was alone at sun-up remembering everything that has happened here, thinking of all that will happen here.
and, fuck, i always knew it, but my family is the most amazing family that i could have ever asked for. and my friends too.
its going to be hard to go this journey alone, i don't have a lot of experience with these types of things. after all, i was never allowed to go to summer camp. my mom thought i might get lice.
maybe this is all a little bit inspired by lack of sleep or some weird female emotionalism bullshit. but it sure feels like the phrase THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF YOUR LIFE (, bitch) has never applied to me more. i am totally out of my comfort zone, i have relinquished all control, and now i have nothing left to do but roll with the punches.
(and try to not get sold into human trafficking.)
i guess what i'm trying to say is, 6 months is kind of a long time.
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